I Don't Like You Anymore, Carlsberg

I'm posting this video with the fundamental premise that I am both a) an American, and b) a fan of Carlsberg lager. I'm not saying that it's all that great of a beer, because it's really not; it tastes extra super bitter like you'd expect a Danish beer to taste, and even the most seasoned of beer drinkers will make that "guhhh" face after the first few sips. It holds an extra significance in my heart because for the month and a half I spent in the United Kingdom a few years ago, all those gross bitter British beers served at luke-room-temperature cost at least four pounds each, but Carlsberg was sold to us poor ass college kids at the ludicrous price of 50 pence a pint. Long story short, all of the adventures I had in the city of Oxford were in some way related to that beer. Not to mention, their ad campaign is "Carlsberg: Probably the best lager in the world." I guess their research wasn't thorough enough to make a definitive statement. Makes me laugh every time. I am a fan.

Or, I was, until I found this commercial buried 7 pages into YouTube's results for "beer commercial." Seeing a beer commercial is one situation that those of us in the Bud Light/Miller Lite target market are well-prepared for: there's the setup, some cheesy thing with guys sitting around. You wait through it, because it's obvious that in a few moments, the punchline or gag or awkward moment is going to come (think "I just had these rubber floors installed," or "Magic Fridge), and heavy laughing will ensue. It's the classic beer commercial formula, been used for hundreds of years.

Then one comes along like this, where it's cheesy and unrealistic (good so far), some awkward situation arises (getting warmer), and then the main character goes right on through it with a winning smile, and THE COMMERCIAL ENDS. It totally throws off your whole week. I think I'm going to have to go open a beer just to remember what it is I like about it. *opens beer* Ahhh, that's right, I remember now.

Oh, sure, I could take the easy way out here and make fun of Europeans for being super gay (in a non-joking way). But that would be too easy. Cause of course you know if I went down the street to Generic American Sports Bar #4, picked up a glass of Bud Light, and started singing "Love of my liiiife, you've hurt me...", I'd get through at most that first line before someone would yell "SHUT UP, FAGGOT!" and I'd get punched in the nose. It's how America works, you see. But when you think about it, that's how it works everywhere. You go into a bar in south London and try the same thing and the result would be identical, except someone would yell "SHUT UP YA WANKA" before you get punched in the nose.

But it's a beer commercial! You can't knock it for being socially unrealistic on so many different levels, because that's just how the joke is set up! They're clearly sitting at a lounge somewhere, four guys having a brewski and laughing about something. That's another thing I don't get. When a show or movie or what have you cuts to a group of people listening to one guy tell a story, they always cut in right at the punchline; it's always like "and then I said, '____!'" and from everyone's reaction, it is THE FUNNIEST THING THEY HAVE HEARD EVER. I saw something recently where one of the over-reaction laughs to the lame punchline was a spit-take. I have news for you: NO ONE EVER DOES A SPIT-TAKE IN REAL LIFE. This is a terrible film device that needs to be taken out of serious attempts at real-life depictions. Anyways, that punchline-cues-over-zealous-laffs bit is retarded and needs to be removed.

I guess the funny part of this commercial is supposed to be when the waitress comes and takes the bottle and he works "bring it back" into the song. Three possibilities here, none of them make sense: a) it's a partly-full bottle and the waitress comes and takes if for no apparent reason, in which case most people would work "Hey bitch, the hell you think you're going with my beer?" into the song; b) it's an empty bottle, and the waitress is taking it to clean up the table, because it's her job, in which case, he has no reason to ask for the bottle back, UM EXCUSE ME THAT IS A SOUVENIR I WOULD LIKE TO HANG ONTO FROM THIS FAIRY TALE LOUNGE WE'RE IN; or c) She is in fact not a waitress, or anyone they know at all, and she has decided that while this homo is deep in song, she can slip in and score a free bottle of beer. None of those make any sense whatsoever (nor does the fact that there are bottles everywhere even though they're clearly pouring Carlsberg from the tap at the bar). Maybe it's her beer, and she left it there, and he decided it's mine now, finders keepers. She seems far too nonchalantly okay with returning it to him for that to be a possibility, though.

But in the end, in walks the girlfriend, who looks an awful lot like Lisa Cuddy from House, comes in to bitch out her boyfriend (who looks a whole lot like Top Gear host Richard Hammond) for singing a love song to a goddamn beer, and then he says "Dahling," finishes the song with a winning smile, and it's over. Carlsberg: Probably the lamest beer in the world.

This commercial gives me ulcers.